Girl in the Red Beret

I began creating this series back in 2010. 2 months had passed since my mother had passed away. Not even a year prior to that, my grandmother and father had also passed away. One day it dawned on me as I was processing the debilitating grief that was consuming me, that I was an orphan. Not in the traditional sense of early childhood, but an orphan none the less. I felt so utterly alone in this world. I felt that I no longer had solid ground to stand on. I felt that who I was, was based on my reflection through them. My parents. My grandmother. And since they no longer existed, I had no sense of myself. I found that I needed to photograph my youngest daughter as if she were me. Alone in the world. Against horizons and landscapes that spoke to the isolation I was feeling. This series remains ongoing. Sometimes I can't photograph. Sometimes I can but then I sit with the image for months. That's where I am currently. Sitting with images that need to be processed. Be patient with me. Because while I have found more of myself, I still find myself yearning deeply for the voice of those who knew me best. Who loved me deeply and unconditionally. I process this grief, one image at a time and I am thankful to share it with you. Because one day, you will also feel a loss that strips away your sense of self and these images may speak to you. Come back when they do. Let me know. Let's share.

The Girl in the Red Beret #1
Winter 2010 - I've lost my grandmother, mother and my father in the span of two years. I'm an orphan. I've entered the winter of my life without ever taking a step.
girl in the red beret winter snow fine art
I am frozen
I feel quite small in this world, quite alone and am unable to find my way forward.
red Girl winter
Ft. Bragg, California
I am moved by the stillness and motion of this image. It seems as if time is standing still. For me at the time of this shoot, I felt that my world had come to a complete halt.
California Girl the Red Beret
Standing on Holy Ground
I was touched by this image even as I edited it. I was humbled by her pose. It was as if she were before God. Like Moses before the burning bush. "Take off your shoes, you are standing on Holy Ground." I like that the viewer has no idea what is in front of her because then they must decide to what or whom she is bowing. For me, I am asking for God's blessing. I am asking for peace. I am asking to be found. To be met right where I am in that moment.
new mexico girl in the red beret roadtrip white sands standing holy ground fine art stock images
Reflecting on the past
Standing in history, standing in the very waters that seemed to represent the tears of a long ago generation of my people. This is where the present and the past meet up. Upon the waters of our reflection.
Girl in the Red Beret plantation cotton cotton fields
Walking through history
Walking through the footprints of our stories helps us to unravel who we are, where we come from, what made our parents into the people that they were for us. Losing my father forced me to reexamine everything I understood about him. Forced me into his shoes. Without permission. Without validation or confirmation that I was on the right path. I had to decide for myself.
Girl in the Red Beret plantations cotton fields cotton sharecropping
A Girl and a dog named Charlie
White Sands National Park - While this image is barely discernible I fell in love with it. The joy of a girl and her dog. They were free from my artistic demands and could simply run free. Being freed from the constraints of my belief system in my family has allowed me to search for my own identity. Search for what was hidden from me. To understand the historical memories that had dictated not only my behavior but that of my family as well.
girl in the red beret new mexico fine art
Suspended
At the beginning of this series of images, I was deep in the throes of my anguish. It had consumed me. A tsunami of grief that I couldn't recover from. The journey to a place of relief and clarity took 3 years. This image was shot in White Sands National Park. We shot for a few hours. We suffered heat stroke. But I found joy. I found relief. I had begun the truer journey home. Home to myself. My truth, my story.
Girl in the Red Beret cloudcroft natalia new mexico roadtrip

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